(Script by Fulana; Lyrics by Fulana and whoever writes songs for J-Lo)

POPE: I believed in Latin America, but things have changed.

GODFATHER ESTEFAN: So why do you come to me?

P: I've tried everything. But now the Evangelists come with their pamphlets and steal our flock!

G: Pope, I don't got all day.

P: I'm sorry, Emilio. I mean! Señor Estefan. Padrino, I'm desperate, I'm broke, I got bad press, I have to win back my public!

G: Look, Papi, what you need is a Latino saint. One of them, but who delivers your message.

P: Like the Virgin of Guadalupe!

G: Yes. But a new one. What about the Indian who saw her on the mountain?

P: Juan Diego?

G: Yes. But with a Crossover-Makeover. If you want to cross over, you need a crossover superstar!

Latinos booming

Shakira's bleaching

Brown don't work

Go ask Christina

Everyone's got to make a living

JUANDI:

Got canonized this year

Went from a peasant to a saint this year

Everybody's looking at this robe that I wear

LUPE:

You don't know where you're going,

you don't know where you're from

JUANDI:

Lupe that ain't fair

Yeah, Why you callin' me out?

Mija, I love my look,

come everybody, check it out

LUPE (sarcastic):

With you new white skin, you fresh

JUANDI:

Nothing phony with me

You're the one who's

selling plastic

Christmas lights on TV

LUPE (chorus):

Don't be fooled by the props that I got

I'm still, I'm still Lupe from the block

Used to be a secret, now I'm hyped a lot

No matter where I go I know where I came from

(Tepeyac!)

So big deal if my face is on a wok

I'm still I'm still Lupe from the block

I don't mind the keychains and the flowerpots

No matter where I'm sold, I know where I came from

(Tepeyac!)

JUANDI:

From my native cloak to denim jeans

To tortillas to tattoos to these

Toilet seats

LUPE:

I stay grounded as trademarks roll in

I'm real I thought I told ya

JUANDI:

Better steer clear of Oprah

LUPE:

That's not me!

JUANDI:

So then honey,

don’t hate on me

just based on what you see

JUANDI (Chorus):

Don't be fooled by the white skin I got

I'm still, I'm still Juandi from the block

Used to be an indio, and now I'm not

No matter where I go, I know where I came from

(LUPE: Maybeline!)

JUANDI:

You can diss but just look what it's brought

White works, just go ask the King of Pop

I hear Michael Jackson wants the tone I got

I'm crossing over, gonna make it to the top

LUPE:

I came down to earth like this

Didn't play that game

I am not ashamed

I'm brown and proud and loving it

JUANDI:

What about this picture here?

You look just like Britney Spears

LUPE:
Well you're as fake as Richard Gere, but

I'm real!

JUANDI:

REAL??

LUPE:

That's it, you got me seething!

LUPE'S HOMEGIRLS (Chorus):

Don't come here tryin' to knock what she's got

She's still, she's still Lupe from the Block

She's a holy diva but she loves her flock

No matter where we go, we know that she's with us

JUANDI'S HOMEGIRLS (Chorus):

Don't be fooled by the fame that you got

It's all 'cause of Juan de Tepeyac

You used to be a minor virgin, now you're hot

No matter where you go, he's the one you owe

LUPE:

It takes hard work to help folks

Prayers, apparitions, miracles, it's all exhausting

Got no Vatican White-out

You went the easy route

JUANDI:

Yeah, you're just a sell out

LUPE (pissed off):

Boy you just don't know who to blend with

Just keep it real with the ones you came in with

Like me, la Raza, Mexico

yo show your glow with a halo

mello yello hello

low row in the snow no dough you know hoooooo!!

Soundtrack stops -- everyone's like "huh?"

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

JUANDI:

You're a fool, you are so out of touch

I'm the, I'm the new saint on the block

Now I’m at the Vatican I've got a shot

No matter what, I’m gonna make it to the top!

LUPE:

I wasn't born when you saw me on that rock

I was Tonantzin before Tepeyac

You think you're God's gift to women but you're not

And don't you dare forget that I'm Jesus' mamma

LUPE: My powers are ancient and divine

JUANDI: Is that why you signed with Calvin Klein?

LUPE: The Aztecs loved me way before recorded time

JUANDI: And then you changed your name just to make a dime...

LUPE: Oh shut up all you humans do is whine!

JUANDI: Who asked you to come and waste my time?

I got a big interview on Channel 9

LUPE: Thank God, that means no more stupid rhymes.

[Enter Evangelical Christian, "Have you heard the
word of Jesus Christ today?," luring the fans away.]